Regarding recent situations, I’m really having to sink into grace and love and not let my heart grow bitter towards guys.
Blegh. I feel sick. I feel deceived and sad and guilty. And I hate how sneaky and deceptive Satan is, prowling like a lion. I want to let Jesus in fully, but I’m having a hard time forgiving. I think it shows our true sinful nature when we are set in circumstances that lead us to react first with animalistic tendencies, where going back to our old self is our primary vice. I need to let Jesus be what He is, and accept that I am weak.
Someday I want to breathe freely of this situation, but for now it is to be quiet voices and secrets kept.
Current thought: men and women can’t be “just friends”
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Recently, I’ve also realized how much our loneliness increases our need for God. Not that we necessarily always press into Him when those lonely times are there, but we can see our tendencies to try to fill up that solitary empty hole with things that echo pieces of who God is.
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Currently reading: The Kingdom of God is Within You - Tolstoy (back at it!)
East of Eden - Steinbeck
Current fav album/songs:
“Hard Way To Fall” and “The End”- Ryan Adams on Jacksonville City Nights
Summer is here! It is so funny how change drives me. Although the discipline and dedication (sacrifice) that comes along with the consistent is necessary… wouldn’t you agree that we also need to feel as though we could always be learning or doing something new to keep us going? Consistency oftentimes makes me restless, so when I am able to be living in a time where I can forgo too much consistency for new experiences and the randomness of life, I get excited.
During this time in college, (actually since I started school in kindergarten) my time has been measured in relation to the school year. The way in which we measure time says a lot about where we are in our lives, and it will be strange when I measure time by a different standard. How do you measure time? I think I also measure it according to experiences that I have, or significant periods of my life that stand out. For example last year (which I also label in relation to school-sophomore year), I think my friends and I and both talk about it in relation to who we are this year, and how God has done different things in our lives- measuring these times by the way we have changed or how we are different than we were before.
on a Fiona Apple kick! she is beautiful… and a vegan who supports PETA, especially expressing her sadness for the plight of turkeys on T-day 
“Extraordinary Machine”-
“I still only travel by foot and by foot, it’s a slow climb,
But I’m good at being uncomfortable, so
I can’t stop changing all the time…
I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at peace and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say,
I’ve been getting along for long before you came into the play”
My heart is just tingling with excitement for this summer…
Trips to NYC (hitting up Cafe Grumpy’s in Brooooklyn please! http://www.nytimes.com/2006/09/13/dining/13coff.html?_r=1&oref=slogin), Asheville and Charlotte NC, and possibly some other places!
Camping and hiking and bouldering! Especially hiking some of the Appalachian trail (PA through VA) at the end of July (made easier now with my new friend from App Ski and Outdoors - discounts baby!)
found this in my xanga from last year…
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“reading my utmost for his highest this morning…
“If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified.”
…purified by a God whose desire is to glorify Himself, and to bring our hopes to a place where we have hope in Him.
oftentimes i feel that our hope in God diminishes when we start to believe that His promises to us aren’t enough or will never be fulfilled.
or that the goal set before us is unattainable
or when we don’t truely believe that He has already won.
again, another way where disappointment is only an opportunity to understand God more and to change our mindset about how He works. “
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*attn: please read Col. 3* -want some basic principles on how we should be living life? Sometimes I like it when God just says, straight up, what we should and should not be doing. bam!
I think by recognizing these, God can really transform the way we act. Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.” and with that clean and purified heart we then speak/act the way we should be (”from the overflow of the heart that the mouth speaks.”)
It is so so important to be looking at these places in our lives that don’t exactly match up with what we say we believe- and then how God is wanting to change that… to have those mistakes be used for His glory. It is really a beautiful thing.
This life with God is a transformative process… we are a new creation.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be in a place where I feel like I am fully satisfied. I know satisfaction is found in Christ, but I just don’t think that will happen here to the complete (on earth). It feels as though there is often such a disconnect between that idea of full Satisfaction (unearthly) and then the finding of things that can keep us satiated (earthly). A child denied full knowledge for their own sake; a poor reflection as in a mirror (1 Cor. 13:12). It reminds me of Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel fresco of Adam and God… seeing God, knowing He’s there, hearing His voice, feeling His presence, etc. but we can’t quite fully “reach” Him (in understanding, in His full glory, etc.) We are still running around in these bodies, living in these earthly tents (2 Cor. 5:1).
In a more transactional sense, there are oftentimes these monumental tasks that we feel that by accomplishing will somehow help us to breathe easier. We set huge expectations for how much easier and better things will be once this task is through but then, in some shock to us, life still comes-trials, more waiting, more unknown. I don’t think my underlying Peace (you know? that Current of Hope that runs through us) has been shaken lately (I just often ‘forget’ about it), but the things that lie more towards the surface, the little divots that beg to be filled with something right away, get filled and the water just slips away. As when you dig a hole in the sand and try to fill it with water, but it oftentimes just sinks away. And you keep rushing back to your water bucket to keep it filled, but it never can be.
Just getting over some not so fun sickness.
Wasn’t able to attend Jubilee with Calvary this weekend (see above). That fact is slightly frustrating because oftentimes I feel that I never go through with things fully… and that my inability to attend this conference (in spite of needing rest) is somehow attributed to my “loose ends” sort of life, that I can’t seem to finish things or go through with things fully.
Hmm God just told me that I am in a place of waiting and that that sometimes means I have to wait on Him to tie up loose ends in my life, for Him to finish and fulfill certain areas.
I think I need to listen more to what God’s truth has to say about where I am rather than listening to lies that are telling me who I am.
Writing more, loving more, learning more, listening more.
hi as a rule… blogging is be accomplished at least once i week
Lately this transitioning period that i am running around in feels strongly preparatory. I arrive at doors and am able to enter and learn and enjoy my time and progress and move on to somewhere new… but a lot of the time i find myself only being able to hear whispers behind certain doors and unable to turn the handle to enter in. Those doors where only muffled sounds can be heard are the hardest to forget right now… and I’m making a habit of nearly driving myself crazy trying to hear. I’m knowing that I’ll eventually be able to walk inside, and this is a time to have other senses sharpened.
Currently in the middle of three books. It just always takes me approximately one million years to get through one book because I have to jump around and start new ones… I find myself wanting to hear different stories. My three lovers? One Hundred Years of Solitude, The Small Rain, and The Kingdom of God is Within You. Oh, be patient with me, I’m so sorry.
I’m afraid this hasn’t been much of a post…
um i do suggest reading those books. but dont tell me what happens.
also, see the movie Once. I guarantee it will break your heart. If you want to fall in love and sing romantic songs with dissonant chords that then resolve themselves so elegantly with perfectly simple but passionate harmonies (see: me) then you should already be packing for the dusty gray weather of the UK. See you there.
class has already been canceled and it is only the second week of school so now im just sitting here with my coffee, content that I have more time to relax and read the Bible… to really soak up God’s word.
Recently finished reading James…. which is filled with verses about our faith in action… a life so filled with Christ that it flows from our hearts into what we are everyday to everyone.
But that connection to Christ… having the Holy Spirit live in us…. none of that would ever be possible for us (because we can by no means do it on our own) unless this happened first (Romans 5:8)…
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
I want to live that verse… as a sinner saved and loved… I want everyone to know this redemption… and the motivating factor to have an understanding of what that means to live out in their lives…
Hola a todos!
primero, response para Mateo:
a few things….
Ananias and Sapphira were baptized Christians like you and me…. I think sometimes we (me) separate ourselves from these people and think it appalling that they would do such a thing.
The sin that they committed wasnt necessarily that they did or didnt give fully to the church… it was that they lied about it to make the other christians of the church believe that they were giving a lot (essentially giving glory to themselves)… a dangerous thing to have happen in the early beginnings of the church… but Peter calls them out on the truth behind their lies… because their plan didnt work… and they had only lied to God to try to make themselves look like good christians.
and i think contextually (uhm sometimes i really hate that word but im going to use it anyways) God was trying to teach them a lesson… basically they blasphemed… and God was trying to teach the early church that He wasnt going to stand for that…
but for your question… could it happen today? well… does it happen today? i mean i dont think we hear much about God striking people dead for bragging about how much they put in the offering plate and then heading out to the mall with the rest of their paycheck… but maybe God knew how, especially now, consumed we would be with self promotion… and that reading this passage would cause us to do things like have these ideas flowing right now and to bring us back to a place of surrender and awe of a God who knows our every thought and who demands respect and glory… and who can never be deceived.
any more thoughts?
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Still antsy lately.. but always having to return to Jesus for patience and peace in my heart right now. I think this strange patience battle really manifests in a physical aspect… I’m not a seemingly stressed out person… but the physical effects of stress/anxiety solely play out in my body… (aching back, neck, shoulders, jaw, ansty legs)… very strange. The pains come and go… but I’m praying that these things are only temporary… and just a sign of things that God is slowly working out in my life right now.
ok… I’ll write some more later… time for class!
Acts 5
Ananias and Sapphira
1Now a man named Ananias, together with his wife Sapphira, also sold a piece of property. 2With his wife’s full knowledge he kept back part of the money for himself, but brought the rest and put it at the apostles’ feet. 3Then Peter said, “Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? 4Didn’t it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn’t the money at your disposal? What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied to men but to God.”
5When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died. And great fear seized all who heard what had happened. 6Then the young men came forward, wrapped up his body, and carried him out and buried him.
7About three hours later his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. 8Peter asked her, “Tell me, is this the price you and Ananias got for the land?”
“Yes,” she said, “that is the price.”
9Peter said to her, “How could you agree to test the Spirit of the Lord? Look! The feet of the men who buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out also.”
10At that moment she fell down at his feet and died. Then the young men came in and, finding her dead, carried her out and buried her beside her husband. 11Great fear seized the whole church and all who heard about these events.
woah…
